...i feel as though i'm trapped, under arrest.
pantomiming inside of a plastic cage of indecision and fear. maybe not pantomiming, but definitely cold & numb whatever it is.
i'm having trouble getting my voice out...
people are always calling me out for mumbling, and I think it's just that if people heard what i really had to say i fear they may not like me or worse...that i would be known. oh the fear...so easily entangles...
12.8.10
God is my shepard, i won't be wanting...
I suppose death is not something that i'm foreign to, at least in thought. I'm always considering it, preparing for it, wondering when it will come; whether it will come through cell mutation, freak accident, or old age. It seems like life on earth is really just a slow death...and sometimes certain things speed up the process. I have not lost anyone in my immediate family and couldn't imagine the pain of such a thing and it honestly hurts to even think about. the shepard's staff comforts me, You are my feast in the presence of enemies...
3.8.10
"Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes. That call me on and on across the universe. "
"if you see a fork in the road, take it"...
...i am way too paralyzed by fear
It is reminiscent of that scene in the Matrix when Neo is confronted with the option of two pills. He eventually decides that he "wants to see how far the rabbit hole will go" and upon said journey he decides he wants out and vomits the pill. Then later he changes his mind once again and wants to return and can but only in a limited way.
He's lucky...he was still able to participate to some extent, but there are a lot of things in life that you just can't go back to...often, once you decide on a certain path, the other option is eradicated. This is difficult for me because I'm often unable to make such a bold decision. How does one gain boldness, confidence? It is not very fulfilling to live a life peeping around corners, and dropping bread crumbs but that is what I allow my life to be deduced to at times.
It's time to take back what has been stolen from me. Fear is not what I've been called to but what I've been called from. Dropping these chains, they will not define who I am. I think i'm afraid of failing, of being wrong but A.) that's the story...the reality of proclaiming Christ in that his grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in weakness and b.) Failure can be what I want it to be...I can allow it to defeat me and wallow in it's pain or I can allow it to help me know for the future...and often failure is even temporary in that what seems wrong now, can be right later. It's just time to stop worrying about it and be proactive. It's time to make up my mind, to decide.
"I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide. I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine, rain or shine..."
~mae
...i am way too paralyzed by fear
It is reminiscent of that scene in the Matrix when Neo is confronted with the option of two pills. He eventually decides that he "wants to see how far the rabbit hole will go" and upon said journey he decides he wants out and vomits the pill. Then later he changes his mind once again and wants to return and can but only in a limited way.
He's lucky...he was still able to participate to some extent, but there are a lot of things in life that you just can't go back to...often, once you decide on a certain path, the other option is eradicated. This is difficult for me because I'm often unable to make such a bold decision. How does one gain boldness, confidence? It is not very fulfilling to live a life peeping around corners, and dropping bread crumbs but that is what I allow my life to be deduced to at times.
It's time to take back what has been stolen from me. Fear is not what I've been called to but what I've been called from. Dropping these chains, they will not define who I am. I think i'm afraid of failing, of being wrong but A.) that's the story...the reality of proclaiming Christ in that his grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in weakness and b.) Failure can be what I want it to be...I can allow it to defeat me and wallow in it's pain or I can allow it to help me know for the future...and often failure is even temporary in that what seems wrong now, can be right later. It's just time to stop worrying about it and be proactive. It's time to make up my mind, to decide.
"I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide. I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine, rain or shine..."
~mae
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