Poem

My second real poem...and by real...I mean actually felt...too bad that this blog messes up the editing which effects the meaning considerably...oh well

Ampersand

“Time is the longest distance between two places.”
Tennessee Williams (Author of the Glass Menagerie, and Cat on a hot tin roof)

Now that we’ve reached the edge.
of a summer that will never escape our memory
and wandered into a dance of awkward indecision,
Blind-folded at the heart and frost-bitten…
or soon will be as we open up our doors to our chronic houseguest: winter
and how you’d love for him stay to bask and hide in his snowstorms
and my invitation only comes with the hope of an early spring
a spring that is not promised or…expected

What happens beyond x+y, when the summation of things
cannot be calculated or communicated by rationality
when the next step in dissecting this…multi-variable equation
is letting it solve itself or destroying it in fear of it just ending in a quotient
anyway…but who can predict the strange nature of this word problem
that we call eventually, possibly, hopefully, and sometimes probably not

Lying beneath a star smitten sky
I tell you that I have been absolved of fear
that everyday doesn’t go by in constant worry of your exit
and you lean over to me and whisper that you want to be with me
in the most calming tone until I realize that I do not know if you mean a noun
or a verb, for verbs are the words that make sentences work
not to mention the need for a conjunction.

Hogwarts..

...school of witchcraft and wizardry...


Harry Potter is so ridiculously controversial...while I would LOVE to get into the argument of the biblical defense and theological implications of allowing children to be exposed to a "warlock" hero...something more pressing deserves analysis



Harry Potter is a series about one of the most quintessential problems of our time, and I'm willing to say in all of history since the beginnings of the Hebrew people (I say it as if they aren't my people which they are in the way that matters). That issue is xenophobia, ethnocentrism, racism...however you want to label it Harry Potter addresses it and it's huge. The fact that Lord Voldemort is analogous with Hitler, the Hutu people (not all of them), Mugabe, Pol Pot(he's somehwat of an exception not becuase his crimes weren't as heinous because they were), the Burmese military Junta, basically whenever the words filthy and pureblood come into the mix there is reason to be concerned. The reduction or removal of human dignity. I would be as bold as to link this ideal which was "perfected" by the Nazi's to pure, unalderated Satanistic. The idea of meaningless and purposeless mass murder can only be linked to the evil one. The question is always asked "Why would Satan continue to fight, when he knows he's going to lose?" Just like many say Hitler knew he was never going to win the war...Most of the people I named (if not all) knew that eventually they would lose...but I think the most atrocious thing is I'm not sure if it's about winning or losing...I'm not sure if there is anything reasonable or rational about it...that what scares me the most for situations like Darfur, and possibly Zimbabwe...not that genocide hasn't or isn't occuring on every continent becuase surely it has or is or will...it's seemingly as unavoidable as it is irrational...

Harry says something at the end of the 5th movie that gave me the greatest bit of hope I've had about this whole genocide thing in a while he says "Voldemort doesn't have something that we do...something worth fighting for"...and there it is...unfortunately that "something" for some is just humanity...I think to stop there would be to fail to realize that humanity alone can't save itself and just perpetuate the problem...that humanity is destorying itself and has no hope alone...that human beings are never going to get better alone...in fact its fairly clear that they are getting worse if anything...to trust and hope for the best in humanity would be the most hopeless choice of them all because you would just be let down...at least if you have no hope you won't be let down by a shadow...by a blade of grass...unfortunately I fear Harry Potter falls into this worldview of secular humanism but I think it's slightly different in that i'm not really sure how the afterlife works in the wizarding world...ha

...but Jesus Christ is more than just escaping a post-mortem hell...he's facing this one with an assured confidence. He is trustworthy, he is more than a shadow, and he will not let us down. He is absolutely worth fighting for, and fight we must. We are called to be ministers of reconciliation becuase like a freind used to (still does just not at my church anymore ha) preach, God has come to make all things new through his son Jesus Christ, and he has called his people, his fold...an adopted, grafted follower such as myself to aid this process. Too often however, I perpetuate some very serious problems and world issues that I don't even realize the magnitude of...the scarier thing is sometimes I'm well aware....I am a deeply sinful person with more concern for myself than anything else, but i'm being restored...under construction if you will...anway back to the issue at hand...if Christ is the answer and this soverign God worth fighting for then how could he allow all of these things to happen?....I don't know the answer to this question, but three things I do know 1.) that in the end all will be made right in the world, 2.) that while i'm here I'm called to help make that kindgom a reality now by fighting injustice, showing and telling people that God is in constant pursuit of them and experiencing God's love in my own wicked heart and mind, 3.) that we would never know suffering unless there was something absolutely good, absolutely perfect to compare it to,...and while too many people attribute this to things of this world...we all must recognize that they come from the Lord becuase too many people look at the bad in the world and blame God but look at the good in the world and boast in man. ...people look at tradgedy and say "How in the world could a loving God allow this to happen?"...the problem is in the inquirer...like my friend Heath always says...if you aren't asking the right questions, you won't get the right answers...the question needs to become..."How did men get this evil?!?"...sure people do very good things...Oprah donates a lot of money to people who are in desperate need of it (she isn't the only one or even the greatest example in my opinion but for context purposes)...but not on her own accord...only by God's grace because for some strange reason God decides to use human beings (not 100% of the time...he has an infinite amount of other ways of revealing himself) to do His work in the world...but too many people spend too much time focusing on the shadow...and they miss the moon...

Anyway enough of my apologetic rant...

Somwhere in the mix of that rant however, was a little trace of my current path to self-discovery (one that never ends for people I hear)...but I'm at a very strange, exciting, and SIGNIFICANT point right now. I received a great beacon from my friend Winn...who told me three important things...to be kind to myself, to ask God what he truly thinks of me (which I found out that he wasn't mad at me which is something I didn't even know I thought but I definitely did) and that I need to be honest with the pain that I face. In many ways becuase of this it could be argued that I experienced grace for the first time in my life. That i'm truly learning what self-love looks like becuase I'm gaining assurance of God's love for me...while it may sound trivial or like something I should have already understood...it has been the most freeing and desriable feeling, thought process, peace...I have ever experienced and I couldn't be more satisfied. I no longer feel as alone, isolated, and at war. I know he's there and I know he's on my side...now if I can just learn to depend on and trust Him...

Another thing I've been learning is that my heart has no walls...that I let people in and out whenever they please, becuase that's what i've become a people pleaser....that way too often I've let people come in no matter what, and while this hurts me tremoundsly...I've recently discovered that others can be hurt in this process as well. What's sad is that when it's just me I don't care enough to change but because I know it hurts others then I start to wake up and realize what's going on...without self-respect one cannot attain self-love...I don't think at least

That's why my new favorite quote is "It takes a lot of courage to become who you really are." and that's what I want to do...throw off my fear and just be Ray Hobbs regardless of who likes it but because that's what God has asked...Gal 1:10...one of the greatest verses I've mediated on...shown to me by Molly Hagan...my first love...hahahaha

"i’ll do whatever it takes to squeeze us into this wedding gown...i’ll say the words that rattle your nerves words like sin and faith alone"

I'm freaked out about what to do after college...my friend Jim challenged me...don't think about what you want to do...think about who you want to become...and that's right where I am in my journey thankfully...God's timing is right on time and I didn't even realize it because I'm very "right now-minded"...he's guiding me for sure...not that i'm worry free now about graduating in December...but I know that I'm on the right path...


this is enough for now...more to come later for sure

This is my lot...

...I am unable to escape. I have been born into an ideal, a stereotype, a crutch, reason for familiarity, a reason for resentment....I look like chocolate milk...as stated by one of my good friends' nephew. (It wasn't offensive just funny) Where/When does it start? Where does racism even begin? Is it our overall sense of an other? Is it our need to preserve our own selves? or is it just hate? Regardless I think that the subject of race is very complicated and it's been hitting me in the face the past few days.

As I put a tie on for my interview on Wednesday, I couldn't help but think of those who have made it possible for me to be a man...with dignity...a man at an institution of higher learning...and hopefully a man who will someday make a difference.

Booker T. Washington came to mind in particular. I hope to accomplish even half of what he has for education. I feel heavily indebted to him in a way being a black male, but I do realize that it was only through God's mercy...

We talked about Othello today in my Shakespeare class and it made me wonder if it is even possible to have an inter-racial romantic relationship. Romantic relationships are already difficult enough...to add that factor is to place quite the weight on the relationship. It would take some very strong individuals...very very strong...or at least they would be strong in the end...

It's so difficult to communicate how offensive people's attempts to not be racist are. Sometimes it's a blind thing, people just do not realize what they harbor towards others. Sometimes I wonder if the people in my closest relationships realize to the full amount what they are doing/saying. I worry that they forget that I am black...

...this could be my fault...on one hand one could say oh obviously no one forgets you are black becuase it's pretty apparent by your skin color...but in a lot of ways I've deviated from a cultural norm that I'm not sure I'm supposed to entirely leave. Obviously I don't have to fit into some stereotypical preconcieved notion of a black male, but in some ways have I lost even the traces of my being due to cultural assimilation? This is a very complex question and one that I'm going to have to delve further into to figure out more comprehensively not only the situation at hand but also it's implications thereof.

I live in constant fear that no one will ever understand who I am. That people will fail to realize that I've barely made the middle class cut, that I don't fit in with "my people" or white people (or any other group for that matter) that it will ever be difficult for me to fully be able to trust white people because of what i've seen and experienced, that I just want to have a meaningful conversation with everyone and it pains me that people want to stay so shallow with me, that yes I know a lot of people, but if I was white and the same person would the same be true? Wouldn't a white person who actually hung out with black people at a 94% black school where the other 6% for the most part hang out with themselves get recoginized more? That everyone does know me, because I'm that black guy stuck in a white mans world and it's too late to turn around now. All I can hope to do is maintain my heritage and make sure that my friends know exactly where I came from and the truth about "my" people. I fear that no one will ever look me in the eyes with deep deep understanding and just say "Let it all out Ray...I want in to whatever is going on behind those eyes"

This is partially why I have valued having Sean here so much...someone who I can talk to...who understands what it's like...but of course our relationship is much more than that...and maybe I don't give people enough credit...maybe they do see more...but I can't help but wonder...

My close friends give me a sincere hope for the future of this world...I can't believe how far we've come already since the 60's and 70's....I guess it just goes to show how trivial it all was...but I still think we have a ways...but it's not just one side or the other...

Well shifting gears...

"Humanity does not deserve the love of God any more than you or I do. We should never be Christian humanists, taking Jesus to poor, sinful people, reducing Jesus to some kind of product that will better their lot. People deserve to be damned, but Jesus, the suffering Lamb of God, deserves the reward of his suffering"

This is an excerpt from Let the Nations Be Glad...its just a good reminder that my heart and burden for those who have less is not something of humanity...but rather of God...that my heart is not primarily for humans, but for God.

Yesterday on the bus a man from China sat down next to me...his name was Hu...it was actually something longer than that and I was unable to pronounce it...but he asked mine and I told him it was Ray...and he told me that my name must be from the bible because Ray means light and that Jesus is the light of the world...it took me aback...I was so concerned with asking him about Tibet that I didn't even push the conversation further...how did I become so overly concerned with this world?

I've come to the conclusion that it's not a bad thing to be concerned with this world, but it is if we forget who made it, and his purposes thereof....or maybe not forget but lose sight of...as I have been guilty of as of late...

I just want Jesus...

There is none like Him...

...way too often I try to prove to myself that there are so many others like my God. I live for and draw from cisterns that are so shallow and not fulfilling. Recently however the Lord has been showing me that there are absolutely none like Him. That he has living water which quenches my ultimate thirst for satisfaction and worth in this world. It is extremely difficult however, to not rely on myself for school, for relationships, for all of the things that I do. I like to be in control, I don't like to listen to God, I don't like to rely on Him...and with this mindset I will die. Thankfully he won't let me go, and I'm learning.... "I'm just learning to be in twenty-three places..."

How in the world does one function in twenty three places at once. I just feel like everything in my life is one great balancing act and I'm trying to find a way to manage everything. Recently I've found that a lot of times I find myself neglecting friends, but I just don't have the time or energy for all of them. I don't know what to do...sometimes I wish I could make my friends...friends in a sense so that they can just hang out with each other, but this isn't proving possible. It seems like meeting with people and just allowing them to talk things out is one of my greatest strengths, and it's something I definitely enjoy...I wonder if there was some way I could make money doing this...like full time adult job money...


1 more semester left...in a lot of ways I wish this was my last semester. I'm running out of energy for starters, and I want to graduate with my class...but it doesn't seem possible. School just wears on the body and on the mind...

well i just needed to get these things out of my brain...

Revisiting the "Holocaust"...

...I do not put Holocaust in quotations because I don't think it existed but rather because the term itself is incorrect. The word Holocaust is used to designate a whole or hollow burning as in a sacrifice and that is far from what the survivors would like to think of the situation as. To think of the crematorium as altars is a disgusting notion.

People often ask, what drove Hitler mad? What made him insane?
I think this is a coping question. Our logical brains tell us that in order for someone to spearhead a movement to commit such atrocious crimes they must be insane. To them I say, the worst is true, Hitler was a very sane, calculated, artistic, and intelligent individual. The depths of this atrocity are not only found in the fact that a sane person could commit such heinous crimes, but also that the manner of these crimes was far beyond the destruction of human bodies, it was the complete in utter destruction of human minds. Almost no one survived Auschwitz or any of the death camps...those whose bodies are still alive will always have a part if not all of their humanity stolen by the satanic S.S. or even sometimes the satan they find within. It is a scary subject, and one that we will never fully know everything about....

Be Kind To Yourself...

......I heard this today and at first I thought...wow I feel like a female....but upon further consideration I couldn't see how one could operate in this world without that message. Jesus Christ says that we should love others the way that we love ourselves...as if it is just assumed that this self-love is innate...that obviously everyone must love themselves...but this assumption is not always the case...and if one does not love themselves...or is lacking greatly in that area...how are they loving others? It would seem impossible...but that doesn't change the command.

So how does one go about being kind to themselves? loving themselves?

I met with a friend over coffee this morning and he asked me to continually ask God what He thinks of me. Just throughout my day...when I'm sitting in class, when I'm on the CAT BUS, when I'm walking around aimlessly, when I'm laughing with my friends, when I feel like I'm the only person in the world and just want to hide from everyone or when I'm functioning on all cylinders (as my friend Nolton would say)...I'm cynical of this exercise..as I am cynical about most things...but we will see how this turns out...I am definitely hopeful...hopeful that healing will come...


some of my friends decided that they are going to make a movie...and they want me to help with a script...I've got this opening so far...

"Too many people live accepting things the way they are…like a lobster in a tank just waiting to be cooked for some snobby Corporate American trying to impress their co-workers. They never realize that there is more to life…they can climb out of the tank...that they are allowed to leave the place they grew up in…that they are allowed to marry who they want…that they can tell a woman that her baby is ugly and that she takes after her mother…that unattainable dreams…only belong to those who never dream at all"

This movie is going to be a tragicomeromahorrmentary....


One of My good friends has a deep obsession with Africa....she is constantly immersed in conversations of genocide, corrupt government, and displaced children and families. She has a clear heart for Africa and still believes that things can change...I fear that I've given up hope...that I just feel helpless, like there is nothing I can do so I just don't help at all. For her it is not the case. One small contribution through a fair trade purchase, or a prayer to our Merciful Lord that he would enact justice on the African continent...she is foolish enough to believe that these things actually make a difference. I admire her foolishness. She is clearly more African than she is American.

It's too bad that we live in a society where lack of pride in America is considered hatred or anti-patriotic. I claim America, I love being a citizen of this country, I am glad that there are troops out fighting to protect the basic freedoms I enjoy and that hopefully if I have children that they will enjoy too, but I refuse to be prideful about
it...how can I take pride when so many people in this world are experiencing daily injustice (sex trafficking, human slavery, displacement, extreme poverty/hunger) while I sit around and check my email while eating a bagel with cream cheese(that I could get for free if I wanted)...

"if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land"

I don't think I or anyone should feel guilty about enjoying all the blessings God has given us...but I should feel guilty about keeping silent...about not speaking up for the poor, and the broken, and the abused, and the sexually violated. Woman...created so beautiful by God to be instruments of love, kindess, and mercy for God's kingdom...to be in union with a man...and one man...to enjoy sexual intercourse as one flesh...a beautiful thing turned awry by the sinful desires of man...stripping the innocence and guiltlessness away from woman by forcing sex on them, or forcing them to have sex with other men in for monetary gain. Woman that sell themselves for money in order to feed their children while they are dying of Aids...how can my ear be deaf? Frankly, a lot of times I just can't care...but i'm learning to...

"God restore unto me the joy of my salvation
Help me to know you, and be like you more this day
Lord, I boldly pray that you would bring healing
to all of the women who are suffering from a sexual hell
that you did not intend
and to have them understand just how much you love them
and just how beautiful you think they are...
Lord, do not let us become apathetic towards the lack
of justice that we experience on this earth
but help us to be peacemakers in the darkest places
of this earth, and that we would find strength in that
you would bring peace to our dark hearts....
In your Son's powerful name and through his ultimate sacrifice
we pray..."