...I am unable to escape. I have been born into an ideal, a stereotype, a crutch, reason for familiarity, a reason for resentment....I look like chocolate milk...as stated by one of my good friends' nephew. (It wasn't offensive just funny) Where/When does it start? Where does racism even begin? Is it our overall sense of an other? Is it our need to preserve our own selves? or is it just hate? Regardless I think that the subject of race is very complicated and it's been hitting me in the face the past few days.
As I put a tie on for my interview on Wednesday, I couldn't help but think of those who have made it possible for me to be a man...with dignity...a man at an institution of higher learning...and hopefully a man who will someday make a difference.
Booker T. Washington came to mind in particular. I hope to accomplish even half of what he has for education. I feel heavily indebted to him in a way being a black male, but I do realize that it was only through God's mercy...
We talked about Othello today in my Shakespeare class and it made me wonder if it is even possible to have an inter-racial romantic relationship. Romantic relationships are already difficult enough...to add that factor is to place quite the weight on the relationship. It would take some very strong individuals...very very strong...or at least they would be strong in the end...
It's so difficult to communicate how offensive people's attempts to not be racist are. Sometimes it's a blind thing, people just do not realize what they harbor towards others. Sometimes I wonder if the people in my closest relationships realize to the full amount what they are doing/saying. I worry that they forget that I am black...
...this could be my fault...on one hand one could say oh obviously no one forgets you are black becuase it's pretty apparent by your skin color...but in a lot of ways I've deviated from a cultural norm that I'm not sure I'm supposed to entirely leave. Obviously I don't have to fit into some stereotypical preconcieved notion of a black male, but in some ways have I lost even the traces of my being due to cultural assimilation? This is a very complex question and one that I'm going to have to delve further into to figure out more comprehensively not only the situation at hand but also it's implications thereof.
I live in constant fear that no one will ever understand who I am. That people will fail to realize that I've barely made the middle class cut, that I don't fit in with "my people" or white people (or any other group for that matter) that it will ever be difficult for me to fully be able to trust white people because of what i've seen and experienced, that I just want to have a meaningful conversation with everyone and it pains me that people want to stay so shallow with me, that yes I know a lot of people, but if I was white and the same person would the same be true? Wouldn't a white person who actually hung out with black people at a 94% black school where the other 6% for the most part hang out with themselves get recoginized more? That everyone does know me, because I'm that black guy stuck in a white mans world and it's too late to turn around now. All I can hope to do is maintain my heritage and make sure that my friends know exactly where I came from and the truth about "my" people. I fear that no one will ever look me in the eyes with deep deep understanding and just say "Let it all out Ray...I want in to whatever is going on behind those eyes"
This is partially why I have valued having Sean here so much...someone who I can talk to...who understands what it's like...but of course our relationship is much more than that...and maybe I don't give people enough credit...maybe they do see more...but I can't help but wonder...
My close friends give me a sincere hope for the future of this world...I can't believe how far we've come already since the 60's and 70's....I guess it just goes to show how trivial it all was...but I still think we have a ways...but it's not just one side or the other...
Well shifting gears...
"Humanity does not deserve the love of God any more than you or I do. We should never be Christian humanists, taking Jesus to poor, sinful people, reducing Jesus to some kind of product that will better their lot. People deserve to be damned, but Jesus, the suffering Lamb of God, deserves the reward of his suffering"
This is an excerpt from Let the Nations Be Glad...its just a good reminder that my heart and burden for those who have less is not something of humanity...but rather of God...that my heart is not primarily for humans, but for God.
Yesterday on the bus a man from China sat down next to me...his name was Hu...it was actually something longer than that and I was unable to pronounce it...but he asked mine and I told him it was Ray...and he told me that my name must be from the bible because Ray means light and that Jesus is the light of the world...it took me aback...I was so concerned with asking him about Tibet that I didn't even push the conversation further...how did I become so overly concerned with this world?
I've come to the conclusion that it's not a bad thing to be concerned with this world, but it is if we forget who made it, and his purposes thereof....or maybe not forget but lose sight of...as I have been guilty of as of late...
I just want Jesus...
