...i feel as though i'm trapped, under arrest.
pantomiming inside of a plastic cage of indecision and fear. maybe not pantomiming, but definitely cold & numb whatever it is.
i'm having trouble getting my voice out...
people are always calling me out for mumbling, and I think it's just that if people heard what i really had to say i fear they may not like me or worse...that i would be known. oh the fear...so easily entangles...
12.8.10
God is my shepard, i won't be wanting...
I suppose death is not something that i'm foreign to, at least in thought. I'm always considering it, preparing for it, wondering when it will come; whether it will come through cell mutation, freak accident, or old age. It seems like life on earth is really just a slow death...and sometimes certain things speed up the process. I have not lost anyone in my immediate family and couldn't imagine the pain of such a thing and it honestly hurts to even think about. the shepard's staff comforts me, You are my feast in the presence of enemies...
3.8.10
"Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes. That call me on and on across the universe. "
"if you see a fork in the road, take it"...
...i am way too paralyzed by fear
It is reminiscent of that scene in the Matrix when Neo is confronted with the option of two pills. He eventually decides that he "wants to see how far the rabbit hole will go" and upon said journey he decides he wants out and vomits the pill. Then later he changes his mind once again and wants to return and can but only in a limited way.
He's lucky...he was still able to participate to some extent, but there are a lot of things in life that you just can't go back to...often, once you decide on a certain path, the other option is eradicated. This is difficult for me because I'm often unable to make such a bold decision. How does one gain boldness, confidence? It is not very fulfilling to live a life peeping around corners, and dropping bread crumbs but that is what I allow my life to be deduced to at times.
It's time to take back what has been stolen from me. Fear is not what I've been called to but what I've been called from. Dropping these chains, they will not define who I am. I think i'm afraid of failing, of being wrong but A.) that's the story...the reality of proclaiming Christ in that his grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in weakness and b.) Failure can be what I want it to be...I can allow it to defeat me and wallow in it's pain or I can allow it to help me know for the future...and often failure is even temporary in that what seems wrong now, can be right later. It's just time to stop worrying about it and be proactive. It's time to make up my mind, to decide.
"I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide. I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine, rain or shine..."
~mae
...i am way too paralyzed by fear
It is reminiscent of that scene in the Matrix when Neo is confronted with the option of two pills. He eventually decides that he "wants to see how far the rabbit hole will go" and upon said journey he decides he wants out and vomits the pill. Then later he changes his mind once again and wants to return and can but only in a limited way.
He's lucky...he was still able to participate to some extent, but there are a lot of things in life that you just can't go back to...often, once you decide on a certain path, the other option is eradicated. This is difficult for me because I'm often unable to make such a bold decision. How does one gain boldness, confidence? It is not very fulfilling to live a life peeping around corners, and dropping bread crumbs but that is what I allow my life to be deduced to at times.
It's time to take back what has been stolen from me. Fear is not what I've been called to but what I've been called from. Dropping these chains, they will not define who I am. I think i'm afraid of failing, of being wrong but A.) that's the story...the reality of proclaiming Christ in that his grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in weakness and b.) Failure can be what I want it to be...I can allow it to defeat me and wallow in it's pain or I can allow it to help me know for the future...and often failure is even temporary in that what seems wrong now, can be right later. It's just time to stop worrying about it and be proactive. It's time to make up my mind, to decide.
"I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide. I'm going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine, rain or shine..."
~mae
13.1.10
jails & bombs
"The one I love is lost without the least bit of explanation
Just goes to show the futility of self-preservation
Now all I seem to see is all this war, and goin' amongst our nations
What good will it do
Now everybody wants to know the secrets to our salvation
Forever reading on and on, from Genesis to Revelation
Never stopping for a second to examine situations
After all that we've been through
And will it only end
When there's nothing left to defend
Will we ever see, yeah, yeah
The common bond of humanity
Go on...
Get a landscape of famine and also of frustration
And children walking round without the proper means to education
And still up there on Capitol Hill they're passing all this legislation
For jails and bombs
Still we live behind these hollow walls of lies and segregation
People walking round without the proper means to their own medication
And still up there on Capitol Hill they're passing all this legislation
For jails and bombs
Anybody out there can hear my prayer
Anybody out there hear my prayer?
Anybody out there hear my prayer?
We need all y'all back down here." ~ Amos Lee
Just goes to show the futility of self-preservation
Now all I seem to see is all this war, and goin' amongst our nations
What good will it do
Now everybody wants to know the secrets to our salvation
Forever reading on and on, from Genesis to Revelation
Never stopping for a second to examine situations
After all that we've been through
And will it only end
When there's nothing left to defend
Will we ever see, yeah, yeah
The common bond of humanity
Go on...
Get a landscape of famine and also of frustration
And children walking round without the proper means to education
And still up there on Capitol Hill they're passing all this legislation
For jails and bombs
Still we live behind these hollow walls of lies and segregation
People walking round without the proper means to their own medication
And still up there on Capitol Hill they're passing all this legislation
For jails and bombs
Anybody out there can hear my prayer
Anybody out there hear my prayer?
Anybody out there hear my prayer?
We need all y'all back down here." ~ Amos Lee
26.5.09
Long Beach, CA
Long Beach, California is definitely one of the most eclectic places on the planet. There are so many people here from so many different parts of the world. We are a group of about 70 people packed into a tiny beach-side hotel trying to live Jesus in the midst of a city caught in a strange tension of unrest & beauty. There are many good things going on in this city by way of homeless ministry, inner-city kids ministry, upper-middle class ministry, and lower class ministry. It is very easy to shelter ourselves from the reality of the things that I described, to distance ourselves by not personalizing it, and therein lies the not so good things going on in this city. Due to the economic downfall of the California housing market, more people here are homeless than ever. The largest percent of these homeless people being women and children. There are children forced to do drugs at an early age, caught in a wave of sexual exploitation and violation, and many other unspeakable things. This is a city very broken before God and definitely in need of Him to show up. Long Beach also has one of the largest homosexual populations in the nation. Since our team has arrived here there has been a gay pride parade down the main boulevard and a protest against the supreme courts decision to continue to ban gay marriages. Our closest free wi-fi hotspot is at a gay and lesbian coffee shop which we frequent (They have excellent Italian Sodas). There are many people here from all parts of Asia, Europe, and even Africa. The majority of the population however is definitely hispanic and this makes for some of the best mexican food a person could ask for. Due to this great diversity of course the churches here in Long Beach are very different from most things experienced from my Southeastern United States Worldview. There are churches whose doors are wide open to the homeless 24/7. There are pastors who run after school day-care until the childrens parents pick them up which sometimes means 12 or 1 am. There are people embodying Jesus Christ in ways that are literally turning this city upside down and bringing the people of Long Beach together. This summer our hope is to be a part of what God is doing in the city, that we will be sensitive to the Spirits leading, and that all people regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or socio-economic status would know that they are loved so very deeply and genuinely and personally.
9.9.08
Poem
My second real poem...and by real...I mean actually felt...too bad that this blog messes up the editing which effects the meaning considerably...oh well
Ampersand
“Time is the longest distance between two places.”
Tennessee Williams (Author of the Glass Menagerie, and Cat on a hot tin roof)
Now that we’ve reached the edge.
of a summer that will never escape our memory
and wandered into a dance of awkward indecision,
Blind-folded at the heart and frost-bitten…
or soon will be as we open up our doors to our chronic houseguest: winter
and how you’d love for him stay to bask and hide in his snowstorms
and my invitation only comes with the hope of an early spring
a spring that is not promised or…expected
What happens beyond x+y, when the summation of things
cannot be calculated or communicated by rationality
when the next step in dissecting this…multi-variable equation
is letting it solve itself or destroying it in fear of it just ending in a quotient
anyway…but who can predict the strange nature of this word problem
that we call eventually, possibly, hopefully, and sometimes probably not
Lying beneath a star smitten sky
I tell you that I have been absolved of fear
that everyday doesn’t go by in constant worry of your exit
and you lean over to me and whisper that you want to be with me
in the most calming tone until I realize that I do not know if you mean a noun
or a verb, for verbs are the words that make sentences work
not to mention the need for a conjunction.
5.7.08
Hogwarts..
...school of witchcraft and wizardry...
Harry Potter is so ridiculously controversial...while I would LOVE to get into the argument of the biblical defense and theological implications of allowing children to be exposed to a "warlock" hero...something more pressing deserves analysis
Harry Potter is a series about one of the most quintessential problems of our time, and I'm willing to say in all of history since the beginnings of the Hebrew people (I say it as if they aren't my people which they are in the way that matters). That issue is xenophobia, ethnocentrism, racism...however you want to label it Harry Potter addresses it and it's huge. The fact that Lord Voldemort is analogous with Hitler, the Hutu people (not all of them), Mugabe, Pol Pot(he's somehwat of an exception not becuase his crimes weren't as heinous because they were), the Burmese military Junta, basically whenever the words filthy and pureblood come into the mix there is reason to be concerned. The reduction or removal of human dignity. I would be as bold as to link this ideal which was "perfected" by the Nazi's to pure, unalderated Satanistic. The idea of meaningless and purposeless mass murder can only be linked to the evil one. The question is always asked "Why would Satan continue to fight, when he knows he's going to lose?" Just like many say Hitler knew he was never going to win the war...Most of the people I named (if not all) knew that eventually they would lose...but I think the most atrocious thing is I'm not sure if it's about winning or losing...I'm not sure if there is anything reasonable or rational about it...that what scares me the most for situations like Darfur, and possibly Zimbabwe...not that genocide hasn't or isn't occuring on every continent becuase surely it has or is or will...it's seemingly as unavoidable as it is irrational...
Harry says something at the end of the 5th movie that gave me the greatest bit of hope I've had about this whole genocide thing in a while he says "Voldemort doesn't have something that we do...something worth fighting for"...and there it is...unfortunately that "something" for some is just humanity...I think to stop there would be to fail to realize that humanity alone can't save itself and just perpetuate the problem...that humanity is destorying itself and has no hope alone...that human beings are never going to get better alone...in fact its fairly clear that they are getting worse if anything...to trust and hope for the best in humanity would be the most hopeless choice of them all because you would just be let down...at least if you have no hope you won't be let down by a shadow...by a blade of grass...unfortunately I fear Harry Potter falls into this worldview of secular humanism but I think it's slightly different in that i'm not really sure how the afterlife works in the wizarding world...ha
...but Jesus Christ is more than just escaping a post-mortem hell...he's facing this one with an assured confidence. He is trustworthy, he is more than a shadow, and he will not let us down. He is absolutely worth fighting for, and fight we must. We are called to be ministers of reconciliation becuase like a freind used to (still does just not at my church anymore ha) preach, God has come to make all things new through his son Jesus Christ, and he has called his people, his fold...an adopted, grafted follower such as myself to aid this process. Too often however, I perpetuate some very serious problems and world issues that I don't even realize the magnitude of...the scarier thing is sometimes I'm well aware....I am a deeply sinful person with more concern for myself than anything else, but i'm being restored...under construction if you will...anway back to the issue at hand...if Christ is the answer and this soverign God worth fighting for then how could he allow all of these things to happen?....I don't know the answer to this question, but three things I do know 1.) that in the end all will be made right in the world, 2.) that while i'm here I'm called to help make that kindgom a reality now by fighting injustice, showing and telling people that God is in constant pursuit of them and experiencing God's love in my own wicked heart and mind, 3.) that we would never know suffering unless there was something absolutely good, absolutely perfect to compare it to,...and while too many people attribute this to things of this world...we all must recognize that they come from the Lord becuase too many people look at the bad in the world and blame God but look at the good in the world and boast in man. ...people look at tradgedy and say "How in the world could a loving God allow this to happen?"...the problem is in the inquirer...like my friend Heath always says...if you aren't asking the right questions, you won't get the right answers...the question needs to become..."How did men get this evil?!?"...sure people do very good things...Oprah donates a lot of money to people who are in desperate need of it (she isn't the only one or even the greatest example in my opinion but for context purposes)...but not on her own accord...only by God's grace because for some strange reason God decides to use human beings (not 100% of the time...he has an infinite amount of other ways of revealing himself) to do His work in the world...but too many people spend too much time focusing on the shadow...and they miss the moon...
Anyway enough of my apologetic rant...
Somwhere in the mix of that rant however, was a little trace of my current path to self-discovery (one that never ends for people I hear)...but I'm at a very strange, exciting, and SIGNIFICANT point right now. I received a great beacon from my friend Winn...who told me three important things...to be kind to myself, to ask God what he truly thinks of me (which I found out that he wasn't mad at me which is something I didn't even know I thought but I definitely did) and that I need to be honest with the pain that I face. In many ways becuase of this it could be argued that I experienced grace for the first time in my life. That i'm truly learning what self-love looks like becuase I'm gaining assurance of God's love for me...while it may sound trivial or like something I should have already understood...it has been the most freeing and desriable feeling, thought process, peace...I have ever experienced and I couldn't be more satisfied. I no longer feel as alone, isolated, and at war. I know he's there and I know he's on my side...now if I can just learn to depend on and trust Him...
Another thing I've been learning is that my heart has no walls...that I let people in and out whenever they please, becuase that's what i've become a people pleaser....that way too often I've let people come in no matter what, and while this hurts me tremoundsly...I've recently discovered that others can be hurt in this process as well. What's sad is that when it's just me I don't care enough to change but because I know it hurts others then I start to wake up and realize what's going on...without self-respect one cannot attain self-love...I don't think at least
That's why my new favorite quote is "It takes a lot of courage to become who you really are." and that's what I want to do...throw off my fear and just be Ray Hobbs regardless of who likes it but because that's what God has asked...Gal 1:10...one of the greatest verses I've mediated on...shown to me by Molly Hagan...my first love...hahahaha
"i’ll do whatever it takes to squeeze us into this wedding gown...i’ll say the words that rattle your nerves words like sin and faith alone"
I'm freaked out about what to do after college...my friend Jim challenged me...don't think about what you want to do...think about who you want to become...and that's right where I am in my journey thankfully...God's timing is right on time and I didn't even realize it because I'm very "right now-minded"...he's guiding me for sure...not that i'm worry free now about graduating in December...but I know that I'm on the right path...
this is enough for now...more to come later for sure
Harry Potter is so ridiculously controversial...while I would LOVE to get into the argument of the biblical defense and theological implications of allowing children to be exposed to a "warlock" hero...something more pressing deserves analysis
Harry Potter is a series about one of the most quintessential problems of our time, and I'm willing to say in all of history since the beginnings of the Hebrew people (I say it as if they aren't my people which they are in the way that matters). That issue is xenophobia, ethnocentrism, racism...however you want to label it Harry Potter addresses it and it's huge. The fact that Lord Voldemort is analogous with Hitler, the Hutu people (not all of them), Mugabe, Pol Pot(he's somehwat of an exception not becuase his crimes weren't as heinous because they were), the Burmese military Junta, basically whenever the words filthy and pureblood come into the mix there is reason to be concerned. The reduction or removal of human dignity. I would be as bold as to link this ideal which was "perfected" by the Nazi's to pure, unalderated Satanistic. The idea of meaningless and purposeless mass murder can only be linked to the evil one. The question is always asked "Why would Satan continue to fight, when he knows he's going to lose?" Just like many say Hitler knew he was never going to win the war...Most of the people I named (if not all) knew that eventually they would lose...but I think the most atrocious thing is I'm not sure if it's about winning or losing...I'm not sure if there is anything reasonable or rational about it...that what scares me the most for situations like Darfur, and possibly Zimbabwe...not that genocide hasn't or isn't occuring on every continent becuase surely it has or is or will...it's seemingly as unavoidable as it is irrational...
Harry says something at the end of the 5th movie that gave me the greatest bit of hope I've had about this whole genocide thing in a while he says "Voldemort doesn't have something that we do...something worth fighting for"...and there it is...unfortunately that "something" for some is just humanity...I think to stop there would be to fail to realize that humanity alone can't save itself and just perpetuate the problem...that humanity is destorying itself and has no hope alone...that human beings are never going to get better alone...in fact its fairly clear that they are getting worse if anything...to trust and hope for the best in humanity would be the most hopeless choice of them all because you would just be let down...at least if you have no hope you won't be let down by a shadow...by a blade of grass...unfortunately I fear Harry Potter falls into this worldview of secular humanism but I think it's slightly different in that i'm not really sure how the afterlife works in the wizarding world...ha
...but Jesus Christ is more than just escaping a post-mortem hell...he's facing this one with an assured confidence. He is trustworthy, he is more than a shadow, and he will not let us down. He is absolutely worth fighting for, and fight we must. We are called to be ministers of reconciliation becuase like a freind used to (still does just not at my church anymore ha) preach, God has come to make all things new through his son Jesus Christ, and he has called his people, his fold...an adopted, grafted follower such as myself to aid this process. Too often however, I perpetuate some very serious problems and world issues that I don't even realize the magnitude of...the scarier thing is sometimes I'm well aware....I am a deeply sinful person with more concern for myself than anything else, but i'm being restored...under construction if you will...anway back to the issue at hand...if Christ is the answer and this soverign God worth fighting for then how could he allow all of these things to happen?....I don't know the answer to this question, but three things I do know 1.) that in the end all will be made right in the world, 2.) that while i'm here I'm called to help make that kindgom a reality now by fighting injustice, showing and telling people that God is in constant pursuit of them and experiencing God's love in my own wicked heart and mind, 3.) that we would never know suffering unless there was something absolutely good, absolutely perfect to compare it to,...and while too many people attribute this to things of this world...we all must recognize that they come from the Lord becuase too many people look at the bad in the world and blame God but look at the good in the world and boast in man. ...people look at tradgedy and say "How in the world could a loving God allow this to happen?"...the problem is in the inquirer...like my friend Heath always says...if you aren't asking the right questions, you won't get the right answers...the question needs to become..."How did men get this evil?!?"...sure people do very good things...Oprah donates a lot of money to people who are in desperate need of it (she isn't the only one or even the greatest example in my opinion but for context purposes)...but not on her own accord...only by God's grace because for some strange reason God decides to use human beings (not 100% of the time...he has an infinite amount of other ways of revealing himself) to do His work in the world...but too many people spend too much time focusing on the shadow...and they miss the moon...
Anyway enough of my apologetic rant...
Somwhere in the mix of that rant however, was a little trace of my current path to self-discovery (one that never ends for people I hear)...but I'm at a very strange, exciting, and SIGNIFICANT point right now. I received a great beacon from my friend Winn...who told me three important things...to be kind to myself, to ask God what he truly thinks of me (which I found out that he wasn't mad at me which is something I didn't even know I thought but I definitely did) and that I need to be honest with the pain that I face. In many ways becuase of this it could be argued that I experienced grace for the first time in my life. That i'm truly learning what self-love looks like becuase I'm gaining assurance of God's love for me...while it may sound trivial or like something I should have already understood...it has been the most freeing and desriable feeling, thought process, peace...I have ever experienced and I couldn't be more satisfied. I no longer feel as alone, isolated, and at war. I know he's there and I know he's on my side...now if I can just learn to depend on and trust Him...
Another thing I've been learning is that my heart has no walls...that I let people in and out whenever they please, becuase that's what i've become a people pleaser....that way too often I've let people come in no matter what, and while this hurts me tremoundsly...I've recently discovered that others can be hurt in this process as well. What's sad is that when it's just me I don't care enough to change but because I know it hurts others then I start to wake up and realize what's going on...without self-respect one cannot attain self-love...I don't think at least
That's why my new favorite quote is "It takes a lot of courage to become who you really are." and that's what I want to do...throw off my fear and just be Ray Hobbs regardless of who likes it but because that's what God has asked...Gal 1:10...one of the greatest verses I've mediated on...shown to me by Molly Hagan...my first love...hahahaha
"i’ll do whatever it takes to squeeze us into this wedding gown...i’ll say the words that rattle your nerves words like sin and faith alone"
I'm freaked out about what to do after college...my friend Jim challenged me...don't think about what you want to do...think about who you want to become...and that's right where I am in my journey thankfully...God's timing is right on time and I didn't even realize it because I'm very "right now-minded"...he's guiding me for sure...not that i'm worry free now about graduating in December...but I know that I'm on the right path...
this is enough for now...more to come later for sure
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